a rejection + a question, pt. 2

Hey Friends, Fam and Collectors, 

Hope this finds you staying cool in the summer heat!

Brief recap: In my last update, I shared about receiving a rejection email for a position I was hoping to get, standing next to the paper towels in Target. In the wave of emotions that came with the rejection, I realized, what I was hoping for more than the position was an answer to the question: How can I be a full-time artist grounded in creative expression as a means towards personal and social liberation? (Here's the full story incase you want a refresh). Gaining clarity on what I really wanted helped empower me to create the solution without being selected for the position. 

To do so, I dove into one of my favorite resources for personal empowerment- my planner. I'm someone who loves a paper planner, and I recently came across the idea of a 'productivity planner.' Generally speaking, this category of planners helps you organize tasks, aka get shit done. I tend to create endless to-do lists and have used planners that feed into my desire to write everything down as a line item. However, my most recent planner has helped me to prioritize exactly what shit to get done first, connected to goals I have set. 

Mic-drop.

The end.

Haha.  

But for real, the connection of daily tasks to long term goals is what I was missing in my previous efforts to get organized. I would get an amazing amount of tasks done but didn't feel like I was moving closer to long term goals. This prioritization of tasks can be outlined by a manager or in a job description, but can feel a bit illusive in pursuing personal/ life goals and entrepreneurship. 

The planner I have been into and found really helpful this past month in pursuing creative entrepreneurship and personal development is called the Full Focus Planner. No affiliation link or advertising- just something I'm into and excited to share. It is the most encompassing and grounded approach I've found for organizing which tasks to do and why, related to all aspects of life- not just work. One helpful tip I've learned from the planner so far is to determine which three tasks you want to complete first based on how you want to feel after having completed them. It prompts the question: what three things would make me feel really good to have done by the end of today? This has been very helpful in reining in my run on to-do list and giving me a sense of accomplishment vs exhaustion at the end of the day. 

I've introduced the planner to my Dad who navigates ADHD and it has been transformative. This week he accomplished a self-determined “life-long goal” which was to get clear on a monthly budget! Being from a low-income family, finances can be stressful, but his ability to approach something that has caused immense anxiety and overwhelm in the past was amazing to witness. And he felt proud. We have now established weekly Father Daughter dates where I take him out for coffee, we bring our planners, and complete the weekly preview prompt in our planners together. This is what I want from a planner. Something that helps me do the things that are actually important, instead of running around doing “all the things” while still not feeling like I am moving towards what really matters. 

A good planner is a tool that empowers me to grow, to prioritize, and to show up for myself and others in meaningful ways. This is what I was hoping the teaching position would help me with, but I am so glad to have been rejected so I could find a way to do that for myself. 

With love,

Vessna

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a rejection + a question

Hey friends and fam,

Hope you are doing well, and finding ways to soak up the warm weather energy. 

This season I've been on my planner game. To be honest, I applied for a tenure-track teaching position and was selected as one of the finalists, but was ultimately not selected for the position. In my mind (I later realized) I believed this position was going to provide an answer to one question I had about next steps in my trajectory as an artist. When I got the rejection email, it felt as though those questions remained unanswered and I wasn't quite sure what was next. It was a bummer. I was standing with an empty cart in Target, really feeling like this was supposed to be a different moment. 

Throughout my life as an artist (and a human), I've come to learn rejection means you are putting yourself out there in bold ways, for things that may or may not pan out. Telling someone you have a crush on them when you don't know if they like you back- bold move. Applying to RISD when I had never studied art before- bold move. Applying to residencies and grants where I share my unconventional approach as an artist- bold move. Performing music on stage no matter how packed the room is- bold move. A number of things I have applied for, I have been selected for, and many things I have applied for, I have not been selected for. Rejections are simply part of the journey of living boldly, vulnerably standing in your truth in that moment for all to see, and being open to possibilities you could never have imagined. 

All this to say, the rejection next to the paper goods isle in Target was a bummer. But, it also indicated to me what I was really hoping for with this position: I was hoping for guidance as to how to go about making a full-time living as an artist, and a tenure-track position was one type of guidance. 

In truth, the question behind my bummed emotion was: 

How can I be a full-time artist grounded in creative expression as a means towards personal and social liberation? 

This is what my work has been about throughout my life: being in community with creative problem solvers who manifest things that don't yet exist, imagine new ways of communicating and connecting, developing strategies to command a room through performance and songwriting when my voice has been overshadowed, dismissed, or quieted in other contexts, creating songs and visuals that reflect the deep need for joy as a caregiver and a human being that feels, or capturing the fluttering sensation we get when we see someone we love through water marks on a piece of paper.. 

Getting clear on the question I was really asking myself inspired me to pursue other ways I might go about answering it.. 

[Will share part two of this story in my next newsletter and the one tool that's been really doing it for me this season. Also didn't mean for this to be such a cliff hanger! haha but excited to share in the next one!]

With love,

Vessna

what's in the water? || the story of why i paint with watercolors

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Hey friends & fam,

I hope you are doing well!

Summer (even though it's still spring, the energy is ready for summer haha) so far has been a moment to explore new techniques in watercolor and spend time with works in the studio. As a self/ community taught artist prior to graduate school, I came to know watercolor through making flyers for shows I was playing in the Bay Area, gathering inspiration from artists whose work I loved, feeling things out, looking up videos on YouTube, and connecting with friends who were/ are visual artists. All this exploration led to an unconventional approach to watercolors and a way of understanding the medium that was specific to my introduction to visual art. This current moment of growth and looking at past works has prompted me to think about how I first came to know watercolors, and ask the question, what's in the water that does it for me? 

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When I received a Visual & Performing Art teaching position back in Fall of 2014 at a middle school in SF, I thought, 'Wow- art and teaching? This is a dream.' I also thought, 'What on earth am I gonna teach to middle school kids?!? I have never studied art!' So I asked myself, what would I have wanted to learn as a middle schooler? After some thought, I landed on: I would have wanted to learn that I could be a visual artist even if I didn't grow up drawing. That I had a voice and vision that was worth sharing and the capability to communicate these ideas through visual language. 

So I taught myself how to draw and paint alongside my students on evenings and weekends. I scoured bookstores and YouTube for resources on how to draw and paint, and asked friends who were visual artists what things would be helpful to know. In my research, I came across a book titled “How to Draw the Portrait” at Green Apple Books (a used book shop). There were no people of color represented in this book which claimed to teach you to paint a portrait of humanity. In that moment, I decided I wanted to focus on painting women of color in watercolor because too often the stories of my Mom and the women in my family are missing from the reference texts and resources, and I wanted to see us reflected in our full humanity. My first collection, called Where We At reflected this initial study and purpose in painting with watercolor. 

There is actually one original watercolor portrait left in my studio from this very special initial collection. Here she is:  

Things that were practical about painting with watercolor for me were: Watercolor dries quickly, does not require ventilation, is more affordable than oils or acrylics, and holds a range of delicate details and rich drips. Emotionally, it was the perfect medium to me for conveying the depth of humanity in each figure. As I continued painting with watercolor, I began to notice overlaps between how people talked about the medium and Black hair/ Black living. Terms such as “difficult," “control," and “sketch/ not fully realized” were used to describe both. In my focus on portraiture, I started to think about watercolors as always expressing their fullest liberation in the same way Black living has fought to express full liberation. It is just the context that makes it seem like it's doing anything but that. A context or society that is resistant to that fully realized liberation will make it seem out of place, and same with the expressive puddles of watercolor on the page. When there's room for it, it all is essential to painting the most beautiful picture of humanity. 

In these initial portraits, I leaned into the swell, the pour, and the bloom- techniques often avoided by “masters” of the medium. Instead, I wanted the watercolors to reflect the beautifully crafted movements of liberation I saw in the people I portrayed. As I continued painting portraiture, I sought ways to protect the subjects in my paintings. I am inspired by painting my family and how beautiful we are, while at the same time, painting portraiture, especially Black portraiture is complicated. Representation is powerful and essential, but at the same time, the subject in the portrait is always on display and available for to the viewer. Throughout history, Black portraiture has been reclaimed from an objectifying experience to an empowering one, but still prompts the question, how much visual information do we need to recognize we are in the presence of humanity? 

I love how watercolor carries the movement, essence and energy of the figure without needing to need to put a subject on full display or in high detail. I will always paint portraits, but I will also always paint abstracts because both play a role in bringing us closer to each other and closer to our most liberated selves.

To invite you into these works, I've put together a small, incredibly special retrospective collection of available works in the studio that capture my deepening relationship with watercolor – the perfect medium I've found for expressing our fullest liberation. 

With love,

Vessna

i keep warm with this energy, and wanna give you your dreams

A night at the rink brings up feels of connection- the whir of wheels beginning to spin and the breath-catching feeling of attempting to balance. While I've wanted to be smoother on skates since starting, I've learned, the real value came in attempting to do something challenging that I was in fact not yet good at. It wasn't being smooth, it was doing it while being a sporadic, flopping mess haha and still doing it. I documented my reflections on skating and daily progress through videos on an instagram account I created called @_v.roll. [As you may know, I love puns so I loved this name because it kinda functions as the “B roll” content to my regular art and music (tehehe). Ricky massively rolls his eyes at my puns while a smirk sneaks across his face cause he can't help but enjoy how much joy I find in attempting to find the 'pun' in everything ;)]

My connection with Ricky happened not at the rink, but through a mentoring program called Aspiring Young Artists which connected high school students with performing artists in Philly. I joined as a mentor for students interested in singing and songwriting. It was the most beautiful, grounding and wonderful experience. It's a program I wished I had been part of in high school, so it was amazing to be part of supporting young artists in that way.

I remember sharing songs I had written in high school with my choir teacher. I sent them via email after asking if I could share them with him. Through no fault of his own I'm sure (now understanding the many roles high school teachers are faced with balancing), he didn't respond to my email. When I followed up, he gave a generic response, something like, “oh cool..” I can't remember exactly haha but that was the sentiment in my memory. At least to my sensitive high school self trying to share original music for the first time, that was the sentiment of the response. My friends were much more supportive, and always down to put on my headphones and groove to the latest song I had recorded at the lunch table.

That's why being part of Aspiring Young Artists was so powerful. I could be the person to encourage young people to keep sharing their stories and exercising their voices. And they were INCREDIBLE. These connections where care is centered are so important, especially in middle and high school. This is what drew me to being a mentor in the program and offering to support Ricky in developing the program. I became a co-director with him which meant we got to spend more time together and get to know each other more, all through the effort of supporting young voices in sharing their stories.

After a few years of being co-workers, I realized something. It felt really nice to spend time with him. Being in less healthy relationships prior, I had realized I was simply not feeling good or grounded in those relationships. Things always felt in question. I didn't feel solid in knowing how they were feeling, as though the mystery was part of the point of attraction... so unhealthy. Spending time with Ricky felt consenting, honest, and grounded in something beyond our relationship- a care for the communities we were part of. 

Ricky, it turns out, was feeling the same way about me. One evening after spending a day riding bikes together around Philly on a warm spring day, he shared that he was developing crush feelings for me, but wanted to know if he should allow those to continue or put them to the side because our friendship was more important to him than carrying something that was not mutual. I was amazed. I had never experienced someone asking for a consensual crush. I was moved by the vulnerability, his bringing up the conversation (vs me feeling in the dark about how the other person was feeling), and his asking for my permission to continue crushing. The crush feelings came on strong then for me because 1. whooooo has the self awareness and confidence to do that?!? and 2. I loved how forthcoming he was in sharing his feeling with me <3 We are now 6 years from that evening sitting on the couch in his house in South Philly and enjoying our lives together, still finding moments of crushing on each other in all the same and all new ways.

The rush of feelings that came up when Ricky told me how he was feeling wasn't like a crush I had experienced before. This was different. I felt empowered and not guessing or blindsided. It was a warm buzz, like a neon light that glows all night. You know it's out there inviting people to gather beneath it in good energy, even when you aren't looking. You know it's still smoothly humming, casting an electric, warm glow on nights when people are looking for connection, and they can follow its light to that community at the roller rink.

 This feeling is what I aimed to capture in this piece, “i keep warm with this energy, and wanna give you your dreams". This feeling of grounded energy and affection, when you can be vulnerable enough to consensually crush on someone..

“i keep warm with this energy, and wanna give you your dreams..”

watercolor and acrylic on canvas | 12 inches x 12 inches

450 USD

SPECIAL NOTE: If you know anyone who these stories of growth and learning might resonate with, or who might be interested in becoming a collector, please feel free to share this post to extend the connection. It means so much to have these stories, works, and music land in loving eyes, ears and homes. Selling work to those who are interested and able to purchase contributes substantially to the sustainability of writing, making, and recording of these projects- all of which I want to be accessible to everyone. Thank you for being part of this journey, and for all your love, support and encouragement <3

With love,

Vessna

the story of SLIDE, why rollerskating & how "NEVERMIND THE MOON" began...

Before SLIDE, there was the need to move through being really mad all the time. Anger, I came to learn, can be a symptom of stress. Even though Solange’s song “Mad” (feat. Lil Wayne) came out in 2016, it resonated with me hard when I started intensely caregiving for my Dad in 2020. This situation came about through a lymphoma diagnosis (originally misdiagnosed as a hernia.. side note: always advocate for the health care you need), but the true work for me came in acknowledging his struggles with depression, alcoholism and ADHD, without allowing them to overshadow the ways he was and continues to be an incredible father and role model in my life.

He has the ability to be incredibly present and focused. As a child, he was wholly invested and supportive of my creative pursuits. Having a passion for physics, creative expression through art was almost the farthest thing from his area of expertise, but he was fascinated, encouraging, and always supportive of my ability to sing and create.

When I was 5 years old, I was watching a video my Dad had gotten for me on Handel- the German-British Baroque composer from the 18th century- standing right in front of the TV. I can see the whole scene now in my head. There was a character in the movie- a young boy, poor and from the streets- who overhears a rehearsal of Handel's choir floating out the church window. Inside, everyone is hot, sweating, and Handle is becoming increasingly frustrated with the choir’s lack of ability to bring forth the energy and tone required to perform the piece. While they are on break, Handel overhears a beautiful voice singing the Messiah with such care, clarity and emotion from out the window. Handel runs outside to find the young boy singing his Messiah on the street. Exalted, he steers the boy into the church to sing for the choir to show them- this is what I am looking for! The boy then became a central singer in the choir in a classic rags to riches storyline.

Enthralled with the movie, I started singing along to the young boy's solo as he stood in front of the choir. My Dad recalls hearing me sing the part saying, "You didn’t sound like a kid singing. I thought, something’s not right–there’s no way you should be able to sound that good.” (A solid proud Dad moment haha). It was his ability to pay close attention that led him to honor and nurture this creative spark for singing since I was 5.

Despite the many things my Dad struggled with due to family traumas that permeate many low income families, he always did his best and excelled at supporting my development. This doesn’t mean that it was easy for both of us, and that brings us back to winter break of my first semester of graduate school, when he was diagnosed with lymphoma and needed care. I flew out to California- mid pandemic- to move him to the East Coast. Traumas unacknowledged can fester and grow over time. This was the case with my pops who was struggling with drinking and depression, while showing up as best he could like the rest of us. When we moved him in with us, I was grateful for the ability to support him. We navigated drinking, suicidal thoughts, hyper-focus, anxiety, and late night binge eating. It was a lot for all of us. He was also going through chemo which is a whole world unto itself. Even within every struggle, he was relentless in his determination to change the behaviors that weren’t serving him. He is incredibly intelligent and despite knowing what was best for him to do, that’s not how struggles work. It has been a journey for us all, but he is doing so much better, and I couldn’t be more proud.

While in the middle of these intensive moments of caregiving, I needed a space where I could process all that was coming up for me while supporting him. My friend got me started with roller skating, which turned out to be huge. Doing something that requires such a high level of embodiment not to fall on your ass or break your face, along with giving you a high likelihood of looking ridiculous when you are first starting out turned out to be exactly what the doctor ordered. It was impossible to stay mad (which I learned is a symptom of stress) as I attempted to go over the smallest bunny ramp at the skatepark with my friend, also in her 30’s, falling square on my butt (yo- this hurt so bad lol), and then having a kid who is zooming around the place ask, “Um Ma'am, could you move off the track?” On my excessively padded wrists and knees, I scooted myself out of the way. We were dying haha. Moments like that really make you think, what am I doing here? And there really was only one answer- having fun. And that’s exactly what I needed.

After falling in love with the freedom roller skating gave me to feel joy (along with literally falling many times), I learned about the history of roller skating in the U.S. and Adult Skate Night. Adult Skate Night was unofficially known as Black Skate Night when rinks were becoming ‘integrated’ spaces. I connected to the feeling of freedom felt through skating, how it prompted me to embrace my full range of emotions instead of simply anger as a result of stress. Adult Skate Night afforded my community the ability to feel and to fly. When you go to the skate rink, you can feel when people get free.

Capturing this feeling is what led to the songs for my upcoming album “Nevermind the Moon” – to be released summer of 2024.

“Nevermind the Moon” is a quote from a documentary by Ahmir “Questlove” Thompson called Summer of Soul. The documentary details the 1969 Harlem Cultural Festival which happened the same year as Woodstock and the first U.S. moon landing, but received much less attention and is generally lesser known throughout history. Based on that, you’ll likely not be surprised by the fact that this festival showcased an incredible line up of predominantly Black fronted groups.

In the Summer of Soul documentary, a newscaster interviews one of the festival attendees, asking their thoughts about the moon landing which was happening concurrently. The attendee responds “Never mind the moon,” followed with something to the effect of what we need is investment here in Harlem. This phrase struck me. The moon in our social consciousness holds so many hopes, dreams and aspirations. To say “never mind the moon” implies the incredible power and love that is found right here, right in front of us. We don’t need to go to the moon to find it.

This story gave me a similar feeling as when I heard about the billionaire’s Blue Origin rocket, launched during a worldwide pandemic. Is what you are looking for not already here? Is there another way we could employ these resources towards.. idk FIGHTING THE PANDEMIC?! The desire for people to be seen, heard and loved is what this music became about. A place to feel and be loved. A friend, collaborator and amazing artist Sherman Fleming once said to me in conversation about 90’s R&B music, that R&B was powerful because it told people, specifically Black people, “I see you. I feel you. And I love you.” That is no small thing to hear, even in 2020 amidst a pandemic, even in depths of caregiving and struggling through metal health and physical challenges, or even in 2024 amidst a raging genocide.

I see you. I feel you. And I love you.

With motifs of the moon holding such resonance in our social consciousness and orbits around the roller skating rink dancing in my head, I felt the importance of leaning into joy. Not the kind of joy that has you going out and buying things or escaping to some far off place, but the joy that comes from taking down your guard and letting yourself be vulnerable enough to grow- something my Dad helped teach me. It’s letting yourself fall, look ridiculous, and then getting back up again with friends and family doing the same and cheering you on. Loving this feeling is what led to the sounds and scenes of these new songs and visuals.

“Nevermind the Moon” takes place in a night at the roller skating rink. Above the rink, the disco ball serves a similar purpose as the moon- the orb under which we gather and holds our dreams for the night. But unlike the moon, we travel there to be with community, not escape on solo rockets. We come to be in closer orbits around the rink, instead of further away from each other. Inspired by the legacy of Assata Shakur, it is a chance to see, hear and love one another as we break loose from our chains.

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With love, and with that, I welcome you onto the rink with my newest single & collection SLIDE.