A night at the rink brings up feels of connection- the whir of wheels beginning to spin and the breath-catching feeling of attempting to balance. While I've wanted to be smoother on skates since starting, I've learned, the real value came in attempting to do something challenging that I was in fact not yet good at. It wasn't being smooth, it was doing it while being a sporadic, flopping mess haha and still doing it. I documented my reflections on skating and daily progress through videos on an instagram account I created called @_v.roll. [As you may know, I love puns so I loved this name because it kinda functions as the “B roll” content to my regular art and music (tehehe). Ricky massively rolls his eyes at my puns while a smirk sneaks across his face cause he can't help but enjoy how much joy I find in attempting to find the 'pun' in everything ;)]
My connection with Ricky happened not at the rink, but through a mentoring program called Aspiring Young Artists which connected high school students with performing artists in Philly. I joined as a mentor for students interested in singing and songwriting. It was the most beautiful, grounding and wonderful experience. It's a program I wished I had been part of in high school, so it was amazing to be part of supporting young artists in that way.
I remember sharing songs I had written in high school with my choir teacher. I sent them via email after asking if I could share them with him. Through no fault of his own I'm sure (now understanding the many roles high school teachers are faced with balancing), he didn't respond to my email. When I followed up, he gave a generic response, something like, “oh cool..” I can't remember exactly haha but that was the sentiment in my memory. At least to my sensitive high school self trying to share original music for the first time, that was the sentiment of the response. My friends were much more supportive, and always down to put on my headphones and groove to the latest song I had recorded at the lunch table.
That's why being part of Aspiring Young Artists was so powerful. I could be the person to encourage young people to keep sharing their stories and exercising their voices. And they were INCREDIBLE. These connections where care is centered are so important, especially in middle and high school. This is what drew me to being a mentor in the program and offering to support Ricky in developing the program. I became a co-director with him which meant we got to spend more time together and get to know each other more, all through the effort of supporting young voices in sharing their stories.
After a few years of being co-workers, I realized something. It felt really nice to spend time with him. Being in less healthy relationships prior, I had realized I was simply not feeling good or grounded in those relationships. Things always felt in question. I didn't feel solid in knowing how they were feeling, as though the mystery was part of the point of attraction... so unhealthy. Spending time with Ricky felt consenting, honest, and grounded in something beyond our relationship- a care for the communities we were part of.
Ricky, it turns out, was feeling the same way about me. One evening after spending a day riding bikes together around Philly on a warm spring day, he shared that he was developing crush feelings for me, but wanted to know if he should allow those to continue or put them to the side because our friendship was more important to him than carrying something that was not mutual. I was amazed. I had never experienced someone asking for a consensual crush. I was moved by the vulnerability, his bringing up the conversation (vs me feeling in the dark about how the other person was feeling), and his asking for my permission to continue crushing. The crush feelings came on strong then for me because 1. whooooo has the self awareness and confidence to do that?!? and 2. I loved how forthcoming he was in sharing his feeling with me <3 We are now 6 years from that evening sitting on the couch in his house in South Philly and enjoying our lives together, still finding moments of crushing on each other in all the same and all new ways.
The rush of feelings that came up when Ricky told me how he was feeling wasn't like a crush I had experienced before. This was different. I felt empowered and not guessing or blindsided. It was a warm buzz, like a neon light that glows all night. You know it's out there inviting people to gather beneath it in good energy, even when you aren't looking. You know it's still smoothly humming, casting an electric, warm glow on nights when people are looking for connection, and they can follow its light to that community at the roller rink.
This feeling is what I aimed to capture in this piece, “i keep warm with this energy, and wanna give you your dreams". This feeling of grounded energy and affection, when you can be vulnerable enough to consensually crush on someone..
“i keep warm with this energy, and wanna give you your dreams..”
watercolor and acrylic on canvas | 12 inches x 12 inches
450 USD
SPECIAL NOTE: If you know anyone who these stories of growth and learning might resonate with, or who might be interested in becoming a collector, please feel free to share this post to extend the connection. It means so much to have these stories, works, and music land in loving eyes, ears and homes. Selling work to those who are interested and able to purchase contributes substantially to the sustainability of writing, making, and recording of these projects- all of which I want to be accessible to everyone. Thank you for being part of this journey, and for all your love, support and encouragement <3
With love,
Vessna